new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize