i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
