he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Farmville is her only friend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
