my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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