Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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