Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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