apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
