Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
