I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
