I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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