My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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