shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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