I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
