thus making me awesome and them whores
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
