This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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