I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
