I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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