K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
