we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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