Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
