I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
