i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
