My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
