why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
