the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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