I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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