hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
