im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
