Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
