I'm so fucking centered right now
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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