but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I didn't notice because vodka
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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