there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
