Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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