guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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