even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
