I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
