Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
