the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
