I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
should my penis look like a turkey
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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