...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize