Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize