i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
