i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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