I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
