my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
