I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
