I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
