Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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