Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
