Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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