you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize