When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
