I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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