I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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