Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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