My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
